3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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