I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
