Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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