Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
