my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
