youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
