I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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