Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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