she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
