God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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