Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
