my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
porn star boner night. come get it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
