trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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