The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
