He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
