I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
