Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
