just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i have two assholes
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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