If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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