I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
