I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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