This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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