While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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