my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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