I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I have demons in me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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