The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
