Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
