If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
