toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Everclear isn't food dammit
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
