Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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