im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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