turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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