Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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