theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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