im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
