Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The beer is more important than you right now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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