I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
