someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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