Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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