So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
