dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
