I met the friendliest cop last night
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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