We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
