I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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