I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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