so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
