the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
