I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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