Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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