Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i have two assholes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
