Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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