somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
